I found a speech script that a former club member and I worked on, for a humorous presentation back in 2010. I thought we could all enjoy it as a humorous sample!
The author/speaker was Ugin, who retains the copyright to this speech. Time: 5-7 minutes.
Title: Do you have a business card?
On the last semester of my college, I was told that I should start networking with the real life professionals, so I can build some solid professional connections, to land a job immediately upon graduation.
I followed the advice, and started going to networking events. Very quickly, I noticed that the experienced people all have their business cards. They exchange business cards when they talk. As a matter of fact, several people asked me for my cards! I thought to myself: Wow! I never knew I was so glamorous just for having big mussels on my shoulders! Maybe they thought I was related to Arnold Schwarzenegger or something? (Pause)
Actually it wasn't that. They could not see my strong shoulders and big arms under my nice suite! (Pause)
Business cards are very convenient tools. Being well prepared means you don't have to say, "excuse me sir, may I borrow you pen so I can leave you my phone number? Having some business cards handy means nobody needs to carry a notebook to write down each other's phone numbers and e-mails. It also helps for people to remember you after the event, which creates a lasting impression than verbally telling people who you are.
As a quick learner, I decided that I should have my own business cards for the next event. Better than that, I want to have one with elaborate design, visually stimulating, which would deliver an instant BANG when people see it. I want them to remember who I am, what I can so, I want them to hire me!
I could just go to those events and wearing my tight t-shirts! They will remember me, right? Of course NOT. I know better than that! After all, maybe I am not as tall as Arnold, but I am much younger than Arnold and better looking! A good picture should do the job!
I choose a card design that the realtors use the most: A clean layout with a headshot photo on it. You see, I want to make sure that people will remember me long after the conversation! Most of the business cards in the networking event do not have a picture of the person it.
I was way ahead of the curve! I enjoyed being a winner! I wanted to do better than anybody else!
I went out to visit this shop, with a sign that says “One-hour business cards”. They not only produce the cards in about an hour, they also help the customers take the pictures on site. I went, dressed up in a black suit. They did what they promised, took the picture, made the cards. The entire transaction took less than an hour. They were quite efficient.
The only problem was that after I picked up the cards, I really, really wanted my money back! Here it is. Take a look. My self-promoting business cards that cost me $40! (Show the card, allow people to respond)
I know what you are thinking! When I brought the cards to our club meeting that week, everybody was shocked! I was the Vice President of Membership. Dan Kraemer, our club president, told me that I should give a couple of cards to each of the club officers for them to use it as a weapon! If we see someone we do not want in the club, we’d just give him my business card. That surely will scare them off the club, and they will never come back again! (Pause.)
I had to agree with Dan that I looked like a hit-man, a bouncer at a bar on that card! That's why I really, really wanted my money back!
But I did not ask for a refund. As a matter of fact, I actually have given out a few cards at a few occasions, before Dan told me his interpretation of the look. Needless to say I did not use the cards much after that. I did not want anybody to be scared. You see, I am actually quite a friendly guy!
Time goes fast. Shortly after my graduation, I received a phone call from a recruiter, wanting to interview me for a job. He said that he had a position that seems to suit my skill set. He did not tell me what job it was, and what skill set he was referring to. It did not matter. I decided to give it a shot.
I went to the interview. After some talks about my background and so on, he told me that company was XXXXXX Bank. Not bad. They have been in the news recently. Big banking business, got in some trouble with risky loans in the housing market, which contributed to the current economic recession! But they are just a business, and I don't blame them for having taken the risks. Who would have predicted so many foreclosures and bankruptcies anyway?
Not bad. So far so good, I thought.
Then he told me that the job title was "similar to a marketing manager" that I had indicated in my resume. Indeed I wanted to be a Marketing Manager, because I have done marketing jobs for a couple of years. I was quite successful selling fitness programs with a fitness center when I was in college, where my body-builder image really helped!
But wait, what does it mean "similar to a marketing manager"? So I asked for the exact job title.
"Well", he said, "It's called a Bankruptcy Collections Manager." (Pause, let them laugh)
That’s right, the recruiter thought a debt collector was similar to a marketing manager!
How did they match my marketing skills with debt collection skills was a little beyond me. But hey, it's a real job and it pays well. I am not going to shy away from it. What bothered me was how they came up with the "match" between my marketing skills with the collection skills...
Then it hit me. Someone must have seen my business cards! (Pause)
He could have been one who took my card in one of those networking events, and did not really read my resume at all! My card convinced him that I could be a good collections manager, because of my “hit-man picture” on it!
I felt glad that I did not ask for the refund of the $40!
To verify my assumptions, I asked whether he had seen the business card that I handed out at the recent career events. "No." He said.
Well, I was gad for THAT too!
I don’t care. I have received the job offer last week. Now that I have thrown away most of the cards, I am thinking I should order a new batch of the same design. I think I could use it for my new job! It’s worth the forty bucks this time!
Mr. Toastmaster. (Hand-shake)